How'd I Get Here?

If Attention Deficit Disorder had been a common diagnosis during my childhood, I might have qualified. While I have never been hyperactive like my friends with ADHD, I have some classic ADD symptoms. As a kid, I would frequently look up in class and realize I had no idea what the teacher was talking about because I had been immersed for who knows how long in my daydream scenario sparked by her comment on a topic that had long since been left behind. I was an incredibly slow reader because a character in a book could raise a multitude of questions in my mind that simply had to be answered before I could continue reading. My fellow drivers may find this disconcerting, but sometimes I still experience this phenomenon while driving. I set out on my journey and multitask by thinking through a situation as I drive. When I arrive at my destination, I have no idea how I actually got there. I just hope that while my autopilot kicked in to allow my mind to solve the world's problems I obeyed all the traffic laws and didn't cut anyone off along the route.

A few weeks ago I once again found myself lost in thought while visiting my home church with my parents. The pastor mentioned that they were concluding something they do every few years called Sacred Gathering, a time of corporate fasting, worship, and prayer. I was immediately transported back to the Sacred Gathering Matt and I had participated in ten years earlier as members of that church body. The Spirit had given Matt a word at the end of those three days; and during that recent visit, I realized how God had faithfully brought those words to fruition.

During this time ten years ago, Matt and I were coming to the close of the most painful and life-changing year of our marriage. Earlier that year, we had walked through a season where we had foolishly let selfishness and stubbornness reign. By the world's standards, we should have called it quits; but God's people interceded for us, and restoration happened in response to their prayers. As God brought conviction and new life to our marriage, we found out we were expecting our first child. Two months later, we lost that baby, and then another baby after that. I plunged into the darkest place I have ever been. Anger and depression consumed me, and I had some pretty big and difficult questions for God during that season. In response to my furious, tear-filled questions, God showed Himself to be bigger and greater than I had ever imagined. He reached down and grabbed me out of the desperate, deadly pit I was in; and I have never been the same. He rescued me because He loves me, not because I deserved it. He showed me that His joy is greater than any sorrow and that His peace can overwhelm all confusion. Matt and I had just made peace with the fact that we might never be parents and had surrendered our plans for our future to God as we committed to taking part in the Sacred Gathering with our church family. We fasted, we prayed, we studied the word, and we worshipped for three days. At the close of the final corporate worship service, Matt timidly said to me that he believed he had received a word from the Spirit. He was certain he had almost audibly heard the words, "You are going to need a bigger house." Those words seemed almost comical and a little painful. I couldn't seem to carry a baby to term. How would we possibly need more than our three bedrooms?

During that church service a few weeks ago, it was all I could do to keep from tearfully shouting hallelujah at a completely inappropriate time. Ten years later we do need a bigger house. In fact, we now more than fill our four-bedroom home. Shortly after the Sacred Gathering, I found out I was pregnant with our first miracle baby; and around the time the Spirit was speaking those words to my husband's heart, God was knitting together one of our foster babies within her mother's womb. Four little ladies now fill our home with laughter, arguments, glitter, dancing, dolls, learning, disobedience, and noise — so much noise. They fill our lives with love and purpose. God was preparing our home and our hearts all those years ago for today's challenges and mission. He was preparing us to be salt and light within the foster care system. He was preparing us to live out forgiveness and new life in Him every day for the broken little girls in our home. He knew what Matt and I couldn't have imagined.

My prayer today is that in another ten years I will look up and celebrate what He is doing in the midst of these present struggles and this season's challenges and pain. Today I choose to give thanks in advance for what I will see the next time I look up and wonder, How'd I get here?